Miscarriage | A Friend’s Story
I had a conversation with a friend who lost her pregnancy… again.
Her most recent miscarriage left such a weight in her heart that I barely recognized her voice. She sounded so broken. I had sent her an AFTER: Miscarriage support candle a few days prior to calling. She was kind enough to tell me her story.
After she heard the news that she lost her baby, she went into her logical brain and didn’t process the emotions. “I didn’t cry. I didn’t release anything. When I saw the miscarriage candle, the words were enough of a shock that it made me face what had happened. Seeing something physical was an acknowledgment of my situation. That’s when the faucet turned on. I cried for the first time.”
I asked her to tell me what was going through her mind.
“You think it’s your fault. You lose your identity. How can I be a good wife if I don’t have a baby? Is there something wrong with my body? You start thinking that you will never get the “Hollywood dream pregnancy.”
I did yoga, meditation, therapy. I was trying to hide the pain and my grief from my husband. I wanted to bear the burden so he wouldn’t have to.
My parents are waiting to hear good news. They know we’ve been trying to get pregnant all year. I still haven’t even told them about being pregnant, let alone the miscarriage. It’s too painful to deal with their grief as well, so I’ll never tell them.”
She continued with her experience.
“There is a lot of waiting. Waiting for the doctors’ appointments, waiting for the medicines. You don’t get answers for days or weeks…if you get one at all. Your body thinks it’s still pregnant, but your brain knows the harsh emotional truth. It’s a sad and confusing time.”
I asked how the people around her have treated her.
“The worst part about family and doctors is when they try to fix and try to get you to stay positive about the future. Maybe I’ll be ready to try again in the future, but right now, I want to mourn. They didn’t let me acknowledge the loss and just be sad.
This year has been the worst. I have had two miscarriages and a topical pregnancy resulting in the removal of my right fallopian tube. I almost died. We also had to put our cat down. I feel like I’ve been struck by lightning over and over.
This has taken so much out of me that I feel no shame in being scared to tell my story. I want other people to share their stories, as well.”
We are not experts on miscarriage or any kind of grief, we are simply grievers. AFTER is about illuminating grief – all types of grief whether “new” or from years ago, whether animal or human, we all grieve differently but each from the same place. Our hearts weep with yours. We offer you love and light always.